Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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