My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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