Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
