Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize