Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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