I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
