Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
