I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
