If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
