I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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