i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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