Jerry, you need to find god
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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