Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize