mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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