So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
