I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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