If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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