i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
