Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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