I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
