You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
