I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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