ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
