You smell like a Billy Joel song
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
