Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
