don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
