Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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