there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
