Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
