I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
