i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
