youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
im holly from the hills drunk
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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