..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
