I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
