I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
