Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
