I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
