I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
