mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize