I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
