see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
