We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
barbara walters just said penis...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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