i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
