My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
