I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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