I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
