nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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