cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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