I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
