I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
