in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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