dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
