Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
