just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
