My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude i'm inner monologue high
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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