I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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